The Carrie Bradshaw effect

We've all watched Sex and the City (and if you haven't, and you can, go watch it), and the person who seems to stand out the most is its protagonist, Carrie Bradshaw. People who have watched the show tend to have very strong opinions about Carrie as a person, and those opinions can sometimes feel a little harsh if you've ever found yourself in her position. But there's a much more interesting argument to make about Carrie than simply saying, "Carrie likes toxic men" or "Carrie is insecure." Both are easy enough to see. What's more interesting is why.

When you look at the way Carrie talks about herself, presents herself, and behaves not only in her romantic relationships but also in her friendships, I think we can draw a bigger conclusion: Carrie isn't simply afraid of commitment. She is deeply concerned with what being loved by, or rejected by, certain people says about her.

Carrie has a very particular view of the world, especially when it comes to status. We see her going to the hottest restaurants and clubs in New York, attending fashion shows and exclusive events, and caring deeply about how she is perceived. Her sense of identity is often connected to the people, places, and things that make her feel desirable or important. So when we look at Mr. Big, it's easy to understand why he becomes such an obsession for her. Big fits into the world Carrie wants to belong to. He is wealthy, established, confident, and seemingly unattainable. He represents a certain kind of lifestyle, and being chosen by him could feel like confirmation that Carrie herself belongs in that world.

That's what makes their relationship more complicated than simply, "Carrie likes unavailable men." Maybe Carrie doesn't just want Big. Maybe she wants to be the woman Big chooses. Because if someone like Big loves her, what does that say about Carrie? That she is desirable. That she is special. That she is worth choosing. And if someone so seemingly unattainable finally chooses her, then perhaps that choice reflects something back onto her.

This is where Carrie's relationship with Big becomes less about commitment and more about validation. His inability to fully commit to her isn't just painful because she wants him. It leaves a question unanswered: Why won't he choose me? And for Carrie, that question can easily become something much bigger: What does it say about me that he won't?

This becomes even more interesting when we bring Aidan into the picture. Carrie clearly does value many of the qualities he has. He is affectionate, dependable, emotionally available, and genuinely invested in her. These aren't qualities Carrie necessarily rejects in a partner. In fact, she seems to want them. The problem is that she wants them from Mr. Big.

Aidan can give Carrie the security and affection that she says she wants, but because he isn't Big, his love doesn't carry the same meaning for her. Big's love feels like something she has to earn, something that would prove that she is worthy of being chosen by someone she has placed on a pedestal. Aidan's love doesn't require that same validation. He already chooses her, and because of that, it doesn't answer the question that seems to consume Carrie: Why won't Big choose me? In that sense, Carrie isn't necessarily rejecting commitment itself. She's attached to what Big's commitment would mean about her.

If you've ever found yourself relating to Carrie, especially when it comes to her relationship with Mr. Big, you might have felt uncomfortable watching their relationship unfold. Not because relating to Carrie is something to be ashamed of, but because sometimes recognizing yourself in a character can mean recognizing parts of yourself you don't always want to acknowledge. Carrie's relationships give us an opportunity to reflect on our own ideas about love and, perhaps more importantly, about ourselves. Why do we accept certain people into our lives while pushing others away? Why can someone's rejection make us question our own worth, while someone's affection can make us feel more valuable? And why do we sometimes want the people who make us question ourselves the most?

That's what makes Carrie such an interesting character. Her mistakes aren't simply lessons about what not to do in a relationship. They can also force us to examine the ways we seek validation, the people we allow into our lives, and what we believe their love, or lack of it, says about us.

Maybe that's why Carrie can be so frustrating to watch. It isn't always because we can't understand her. Sometimes it's because we understand her a little too well.

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